I don't know. I guess I feel that my heart isn't really in it anymore. "It" being what the world wants me to be. Or I guess what I FEEL the world wants me to be.
I need to be me, and if being me means that I don't really fit in, or feel like I belong in certain areas, then I've gotta deal.
Like I don't have to like or be interested in everything that my school friends, my boyfriend, or my church family likes. Lol, like Pokemon for example. Most of the youth at church are obsessed with it. I don't understand why, but I don't have to. Just like they don't have to like or understand the things I love. Nor do I have to try and make myself like certain things. I think the world tries to constantly make us into something we're not, just so we don't feel left out.
It's OKAY though. Like I'm becoming more comfortable with sitting alone at lunch. I'm happy with my current book and not having to be happy all the time for my friends.
I've come to realize that me being happy is not being happy in what my friends consider happy. I'm happy for different reasons and that's okay. Cause most of the time they don't understand why I'm so excited for certain things, or why I seem down. Stupid depression. (Oh.. side note. It kinda bugs me when people joke around about other people being depressed. Actually, it really bugs me. It hurts me because I know what it feels like to be depressed. I have depression, but whatever.)
So I've decided that I'm going to be my own happy. I'm not gonna like certain things because that's what my friends like, and I'm going to accept that even though others might not get it, or not like it, I am NOT the girl I used to be. Nor do I want to be. I hate it when my parents tell me "Oh Olivia, how you've changed. I wish you were like you used to be." That is NOT who I am anymore. I don't want to pretend to be happy all the time just so people lay off. If people like me, they like me for who I am, something I've been trying to show recently, and not who I was, or who I pretended to be.
I've told myself that I wasn't going to let certain things bother me, because I can't let the stupid selfish reasons get in the way of the things I love. Like singing. Or instruments. Or whatever. It doesn't matter Olivia.
I don't really know what's bothering me these days, because I am happy. My church family makes me happy. Matt makes me happy. My friends make me happy.
I've been reading this book my cousin gave me. It's called "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge.
It's all about the woman's soul and how we long for feeling beautiful and important. That's the role that God called us to. My cousin told me it's helped her a lot with figuring things out inside. And I feel that's what's happening. That because God called me to read this book, I've come to make some of the decisions I have.
That it's okay to not be happy all the time.
That I am HAPPY being ALONE sometimes.
That I need to be myself, even if it means not fitting in. (Not that I do fit in, in most cases.)
And that I need to be more open to myself, and to the people I love.
I also decided that I'm going to take a big step out of my comfort zone. Do something I've wanted to do for a while, but haven't had the guts. I don't think I'll be able to complete it, but the whole point it to try.
NANOWRIMO
It's a month long writing project where millions of people attempt to write 50,000 words in under a month. It's pretty crazy but it's something I really wanna try. I do after all, wanna be a writer. There are 251 days till it starts (November) so I've got a lot of prep time.
I'm really excited about it.
So.... I still haven't figured out what's on my heart exactly, but I feel at peace about it. I felt really upset about it earlier and actually wanted to cry. Lol, but! Didn't happen. It feels nice to have someone to take to, you're so sweet computer! (Catch the sarcasm?)
Anyways, yeah. Idk.
Also, I know I said "that's okay" a lot, but it's okay. It's my writing.
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